From My Chair

Have you ever thought about how where we sit at a table can really effect how we see things?  Imagine you have never seen a ketchup bottle before and someone puts one in the middle of the table.  You see a bunch of words and ingredients and nutrient information.  In that moment, a picture of what a ketchup bottle looks like has been formed.  Imagine your surprise when later, in a conversation with the person who had sat across the table from you, you mention how the ketchup bottle label really didn’t have pizazz for you.  Your companion says “Really?  I just love that huge, ripe tomato on the label as it reminds me of my grandma’s garden.”  And you say “There isn’t a tomato on the label.  Just a bunch of words.”  You may even start thinking to yourself that this person is a bit delusional and making up stories about this new found bottle.  You know what you saw!

But do you really? I am currently in a 2-year practicum for Contemplative Dialogue.  This is a program (actually, a practice) that gives us the tools to interact with others and groups in ways that help find shared meaning instead of continually stepping into what divides us.  It really is much deeper than that, but I wanted to just give you that as an opener so my story below has some context.  Believe me, I will share more as time goes on!

Due to this practice I commit to being mindful of the world around me and realizing that I may not have the entire “view” from where I sit.  So every morning I spend time contemplating what I see and what I may not.  Thanks to Contemplative Dialogue, one of the new favorite, important questions I ask myself is: why do I believe that?  Why is this important to me?  Because of my commitment to notice things, I now have absolutely no idea where some of my beliefs come from.  Yet my beliefs are a part of my guiding values!  So, here is an example of how this practice literally saved a friendship for me (my dear friend, as you read this you know I honor you in my life!)

I was in a conversation with a friend about a decision I had made to step back from a group I had been affiliated with for a long time.  For me, so much of my identity had been tied up with this group that I needed the space in order for me to understand myself better.  While talking about this, my friend would make comments like “I just don’t understand this” or “It doesn’t make sense” or ask questions like “Why would you not want to. . .”  As I tried to answer these, I started feeling attacked, bullied and not listened to.  To say it ended not so good would really be an understatement.  The only way I could feel like I was being heard was to get strong and then finally (I am embarrassed to admit) hang up on her (granted,  I did say “I am now going to hang up because I can’t talk about it anymore”).

When I got off the phone I was so hurt, almost heartbroken because I viewed her arguing with me and not understanding as her lack of loving and supporting me.  I spent half the day in tears.  Half the day is a key phrase! Because of this practice I was able to halt the pitty party I was throwing myself and look at what might really be going on instead of ruining an entire day (and in the past, could have been days!)

So I asked myself some questions like “why did I see her questioning my decision as a betrayal?” “what was she doing that made me feel so attacked?” “why was I getting so upset thinking she was making it all about how she felt and nothing about how I was feeling?”

Wow – did some great information come in once I started questioning myself!  My biggest realization was that I had been raised in a family where you did not question as a way of conversing.  This was a huge sign of disrespect.  If my dad or mom stated what they were doing or what they believed, it was disrespectful to question their decision or ideas.  Certain questions were okay if done with wanting to know more, but if it were perceived you were questioning the validity of the decision or idea, that was when I would be considered disrespectful.

So, to me, my friend was showing disrespect by all of her questions.  Was I right?  No.  Was I wrong? No.  It was just as I saw it at the time.  It was an unexamined belief of mine.  Because of my practice of noticing, I was able to see that I didn’t have all the information to justify being so upset.  I needed to look at it from different perspectives.

Coming from the perspective of knowing this woman loves me, I began wondering if in her family it might have been different and questioning was a great part of the conversation.  Or, did my friend view questions as gathering information for knowledge sake and not as a way of trying to convince me to change my mind or see it her way? As I sat with my new realization of why it all bothered me and then changed “my chair at the table” I was able to understand how she might see things differently and my anger disappeared.  I knew in my heart she respected me.  I knew that she wasn’t out to make me feel bad.  And I also knew that I was okay with my decision so even if for some reason she was not, that was okay and I didn’t have to defend a position.

This realization would not have come about had I not used my practice of noticing, being mindful and realizing we never have the complete picture because we are only looking at it from our chair at the table!

It’s Just My Imagination – or Is It?

Right now I am fascinated with the brain. It all started with watching a TED Talks clip by Jill Bolte Taylor and her experience as a brain scientist who suffered a stroke. She shared the process her brain went through with the left side shutting down and the right side becoming the more dominate side. This was so interesting to me – the left and right brain as two brains, with two different jobs.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I knew all that. I’ve taken dozens of classes and read books where the different sides of the brain are referenced – basically, the left brain is linear and the right brain abstract. Got it. But what her story did for me was to see that many of my experiences really can be chocked up to biology and not just “woo woo” ! With saying that, I need to state that I believe everything is a spiritual experience, so just because I look more at the biology of the brain, it does not negate that I believe the brain is a tool of the Spirit.

Anyway, I had a lovely experience of the two brains working that I wanted to share. Next to my bed I have a beautiful painting of a heart created by a local artist, Brenda Boles (www.brendaboles.com). I see this every night before going to bed and every morning upon waking up. The other morning as I was waking, I looked at it and saw a portrait of a couple when I looked at the heart. I was enjoying the picture but as soon as I tried to figure out who they were, my left brain jumped in and took control.

“This is not correct. It’s not a picture of a couple. It’s a heart”. Then I began to see the heart. But I really liked how I felt when I saw the couple so I ignored the commands coming in for a minute, and the couple’s face came back in. Then “No, no, no. This is a heart and that’s what you are seeing. Quit letting your imagination run away with you”!

The heart then stayed solidly in my vision and the picture of the couple only became a vanishing memory (much like what happens with dreams).

This made me think about how many times I see things and then chalk it off to imagination. Why do we always assume (at least I do) that the left brain has all the answers and is always right? Does that mean one side of the brain is superior to the other just because its role in running our bodies is different?

Just things to think about. If this topic interests you, I highly recommend watching the TED Talk video (it’s on YouTube) and also getting the book, My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor.

Try day dreaming a bit – it’s a good way to quiet the inner boss for awhile!

Opposites Do Attract

Over the last month or so there have been so many topics that have wanted to come out on my blog.  The Spirit might have been willing, but the flesh (my brain and typing fingers) wasn’t.  I’d think about it, but that would be it. 

Today I do want to share something that is having a profound impact on my thoughts, actions and relationships.  I recently completed a four day course, The Path of Contemplative Dialogue.  It was great, though my husband’s initial comment was, “You need to learn to talk?  Really?” 

The course was so much more than learning how to talk; it was about listening, the meaning of words, and that we each come with our own set of filters which impact how we send and receive information.  This is probably a complete simplification of a complex topic, but you probably get the gist of it. 

One of the topics was about recognizing the polarities in life.  Up/down, bad/good, north/south, democrat/republican and so on.   It is just a way of life in this world, but we have a choice in how these polarities affect us.  Working with polarities is not always about trying to bring someone to my end of the pole, but to find a way to take the high emotions out of the differences and find some balance. I had a chance to test this today. 

I have claimed the den area as mine and have decorated it to reflect my interests. On a table is a picture of Amma (amma.org), a crystal singing bowl, books on Mother Mary and Mother Teresa, a huge Angel tapestry on the wall, a bookcase filled with different versions of the Bible, books on spiritual thought and statues of monks from several different traditions.  So, you get an idea about me.  My world revolves around all things spiritual with no attachment to any one tradition or religious practice. 

The living room is somewhat neutral territory and my husband has had more of a say in how it is set up.  The furniture is all centered around at 42” screen TV with huge speakers and an Xbox connected.  Paintings of Greece (his other country) hang from the wall – but nary an Angel is to be seen! 

So, this morning I’m watching a DVD about Amma titled, She’s Got the Whole World in Her Hands.  It shows Amma giving Darshan (hugs) to adults, children and even animals.  I was so touched that it brought tears to my eyes.  Wanting to share this with Nick, I went into the front room where he was playing a game on the Xbox.  This game was one of war with the purpose being to kill the enemy.  Hmmm – you feel the difference in vibes? 

My first reaction is disappointment that this moment will pass and he isn’t really interested in sharing it with me.  I know he wants to tell me not to be so emotionally caught up in the “ministry” of others and I want to tell him that he is filling his world with violent thoughts.  For a brief moment, I start to share all that I’m thinking about.  But instead, I retreat to my sanctuary.  Prior to taking this course on how to slow down and pay attention to things, I would try so hard to show Nick the error of his ways and how his world is so pessimistic.  He would, in turn, tell me to take off my rose colored glasses and be realistic. 

Using one of the tips I learned in Contemplative Dialogue, I took some time to focus not on our differences, but in the ways we support each other.  I remembered how he bought me two toning bowls for my collection and how he hung my angel on the wall.  He hasn’t complained once about me completely taking over this room and all the books, study binders and candles I have.  As the den is a part of our kitchen area (more of a great room than a den) he would have every right to ask me to take my stuff into one of our spare rooms, but he doesn’t. Once I quit thinking in terms of right and wrong (with me being right, of course!), just that we’re different, the need to show Nick the “light” dissipated.  

I am so happy that I took some time to think about all this versus getting upset because Zen doesn’t seem to be as important to him.  I realize we each are navigating through this world together, but in our own ways.  We have found a balance in our polarities and it is respect. 

This afternoon we will watch the Super Bowl.  He will cheer for the Packers and I will root for the Steelers.  Ah, sweet, polarities!

Are Monsters Real?

Real or distorted memory, that is the question.

When I was about four years old my dad was watching a movie called “The Brain that Wouldn’t Die”.  He told me I was too young to watch and that I had to leave the room.  I did leave – but came back and hid behind the couch.  I watched that movie and it helped shape most of my nightmare scenarios for years to come.

Up until I was married (ok, give me a little break because I married at 19), I would have nightmares about either something under my bed, disembodied heads that could control my mind, or monsters that hung out in closets.  Going to bed was something I dreaded and there was many a night I would crawl into bed with one of my younger brothers.  This was the “reality” I lived in.  The images from that movie became the characters that lived with me for a long time.  Disembodied heads – monsters in the closet – mad scientists who smoked in the hospital (gasp!).

Now, a little over forty years later, I was surfing through TV channels and came across that movie.  It was made in 1958 and debuted in 1961.  Though a bit nervous because I knew how scary it was going to be, I decided to watch it.  I got a comfy blanket, a cup of tea and told my trusty dog Duke he had to sit with me and I was ready to be thoroughly terrorized.

Some of you know where I’m going with this (those of my generation who have gone back and watched old horror movies).  It wasn’t scary at all – it was quite stupid actually.  Over acted, over dramatized, that stupid music that always ended on a crescendo, smoking inside a hospital (again, gasp).  This is what had caused my night terrors for so many years?  “The brain that wouldn’t die” was just an angry head who looked like she was reading her lines.

For a child, it was all so real.  But now that I’m older it made me think about what is “real” or reality.  Is it based on our perspective (where we are looking from) and our perception (understanding of the situation) at the moment we are cataloguing something in our minds?  Yes, probably.  But how long does it stay “real”.  For me, that movie remained scary in my mind for close to 40 years.  That’s a long time to hang on to a reality that is stupid!

How many other things have we allowed to be stored inside of us that have caused fear, anger, sadness?  Maybe something we believe in feels real only because we’ve held it within us for most of our life and now is the time to take it out, look at it and decide if it belongs to our current reality.  I can tell you this, I believed for a very long time that a head with tubing and wires out of it could enter my mind and make me crazy.   Now that I’ve tossed out this old belief, I can actually hang my leg over the side of the bed and know that my foot will still be attached in the morning.

My gratitude to a stranger

There really are some amazing people out there who,  in one moment in time, are a stranger and in the next, a new friend.

I recently made the decision to change my company name from one that I had had for almost twenty-years to another  that better reflects who I am.  Before filing for a fictitious name statement in my county,  I thought I would check to see if anyone else was using the new name I had quickly come to like.  Sure enough someone had it and their filing status was expiring in 2 days.  At first I decided to just go ahead and file.  It wasn’t like I was incorporating, just setting up a DBA.  But that little voice that carries a big boom inside my head told me I should ask for permission.

So I googled the owner and found him on Facebook.  I sent him a message and then went about my business.  My guess was that I wouldn’t hear back from him.  I was wrong.  He emailed me back within a couple of hours of my pressing send.

In all fairness, the name belongs to him in our county, as  far as I was concerned.  I was only hoping he wouldn’t see a conflict if I used it.  We had such a nice chat and he actually told me to go ahead and use it.  We made a deal, though.  If either of us “made it big” and wanted to incorporate or do something on a larger scale, we’d contact each other and release our use of the name. 

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but to speak with a stranger and come to an agreeable consensus based on what might be the best for either of us was inspiring.  Think about it  – what if we could apply that concept in dealing with difficult neighbors or co-workers.   During that conversation, I had a feeling of connection versus it being all about me and what I wanted – or about him and what he wanted.

Thank you to my new friend, Allard, who has granted me access to use my new business name: